that over the last two years I have literally changed who I am as a person. As someone who desparately seeks any sign of change, it happened so slowly and gradually that I didn't even notice it until I had already changed. One of my favorite movie quotes of all time comes from the movie "Life As a House" when George (played by Kevin Kline) says:
"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me."
I've held this quote in my heart as a motto so to speak. My hope that maybe, just maybe, even though things felt maddeningly the same, that in some way, change was taking place and I was gradually in the process of changing to be more of the reflection of what I feel that I truly am instead of who I seemed to be in relation and reaction to everyone around me.
For so long I basically hit the pause button on myself, who I am, what I want and what I hope for. It seemed that my purpose was to live for and in order to benefit others, pick up the slack, tow the line, smile when needed and generally be there for them to help them because in my mind there was always an order or priority and that list never included me.
At my core I am a giver and a care giver. I am a great wing man, a great straight man to your comedian. A great Igor to your mad scientist and a great chorus member to your star soloist.
But I am also someone of a silent strength, a stubborness that is unparalleled, stoic in my thoughts and my actions and in some areas so assured of my thoughts, beliefs or opinions that I am told I am off-putting and almost insensitive.
A while back I was talking to Drew and I told him how I felt like an oval peg trying to fit into a round hole. I'm sure that at first he thought I had simply gotten the cliche` wrong and that I meant to say square peg in a round hole, but I explained to him that that was exactly what I meant to say because my whole life I've been just different enough to not fit in with whatever I deemed normal or mainstream but not different enough to be considered a misfit or a truley independant and unique individual. If I fell into one of these extremes, I would at least have a core group on those who would understand, 'get' and embrace me.
[created for Creative Therapy]
But as I am... I feel like I most often just drift along alone, lucky for the ones who love me (and believe me, I have the most amazing people who love me and bless me with the fact that they are in my life!) and wondering why I cant seem to make myself fit into any hole.
But in the last two years I've come to realize that I will never fit perfectly in either mold and I don't want to.
-I am a total nerd.
-I have fan-girl tendencies.
-I gain just as much knowledge, peace and insight from music as I do the Bible.
-I still think Disneyland is the best vacation spot on earth.
-I don't have to drink alcohol to know I am having a good time.
-I go to concerts with the same excitement as a teenager.
-I have a tendency to get obsessed with the things I love.
-I have a fairly long list of personal quirks and nuerosis and I have learned that they make me pretty awesome if you can get past them.
-I dream of being a star, but I don't actually want to even try to do it. My dreams are more than enough.
-I am a great go-to person. Helping makes me happy, genuinely.
-I am stubborn and independant.
-I would rather watch an action or independant movie than a romantic comedy anyday.
-Certain singers voices can drive me to anger that is near homicidal (coughNorahJonescoughcoughColbieCaliatcough)
-I love to give and share everything I can.
-I have a love/hate relationship with the word frugal that tends more towards hate.
-I can't stand a messy desk.
-I consider my friends my family. The family I got to choose and would do anything for them.
-I am affected too much by those around me mood wise.
-I understand that 95% of people don't get me.
-I am grateful for the few that do get me.
-I think someone you have never even met can make your life infinately better.
and the list goes on and on...
But getting back to the beginning... I've understand that I have changed. In the simple way of living these parts of myself out loud and honestly. I don't try to hide or disclaim or apologize for them any longer, they're all me and I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who love who I am, not in spite or because theyre unaware of that. And that is a pretty amazing feeling.